I think I won’t bother with unfriendly or boring questions.
But feel free to ask anything else.
Questions people have asked me: Where did you get your bicycle? Where did you get your lovely purple wheelie bin? And why are Liverpool bins purple? What are you made of? Have you ever met a real bear? What is a strategy suit with a jelly pocket? What happens when you put jelly in your pocket? Do teddies have feelings? How do you make stripy biscuits? Are rabbits allowed to be members of Red and Green Teddies? What are you (that means me) currently reading? Does having a trunk make you more likely to catch the coronavirus? What do scones taste like, with mashed potato instead of clotted cream?
Question: What a nice bicycle you have Tom. So practical. Tell me, where did you get it?
A friend of mine brought it from Johannesburg thirty or so years ago. Not a single puncture in all those years!
Question: What do scones taste like, with mashed potato instead of clotted cream?
I don’t want to damage the clotted cream industry, because I’ve benefited a lot from it in the past. And I identify with Cornwall, because it’s a bit like a teddy bear. But in future I shall definitely be using mashed potato on my scones. Vitamin C, essential carbs, plenty of salt. And you know how after you’ve had one scone with lots of jam and clotted cream, you have to have another, because it was so delicious? And then after the second one, you wish you hadn’t? Well, with mashed potato, it is delicious, but you don’t feel so regretful after the second one.
Question: Where did you get your lovely purple wheelie bin? And why are Liverpool bins purple?
The Liverpool Echo says “Lib Dem peer Mike Storey told the ECHO a firm initially offered red ones when the council first introduced wheelie bins in 2000. But he said he and the council’s then-chief executive turned them down as they did not want to infuriate Everton fans. He also revealed that purple was chosen as a mix of Liverpool red and Everton blue.”
You can buy a little wheelie bin from the wonderful Scouse Press (https://www.scousepress.co.uk/).
Question: What are you made of?
Human beings are more than half water. I’m not made of water at all, mostly fluff.
Question: Have you ever met a real bear?
I’ve met lots of real bears. There’s Teddy, and Ruffy, and Didcot, and Nigel, and Green Bear, and Yes-Yes, and little Strawberry. I don’t think you’ve been reading my blog very carefully.
Question: What is a strategy suit with a jelly pocket?
Strategy suits with jelly pockets were all the rage when I was young.
I first heard about them on the wireless. Now a nice person called George Coney can tell you all about them:
https://soundcloud.com/george-coney/ivor-cutler-a-strategy-suit-with-a-jelly-pocket
(This work has been selected by scholars as being culturally important and is part of the knowledge base of civilization as we know it.)
Mine is a perfect example. Practical, comfortable, and very stylish.
Question: What happens when you put jelly in your pocket?
The pocket is perfectly designed to accommodate the jelly. The jelly fits into the pocket as though they were made for each other. Which they were. My experience of testing this out felt immensely satisfying. I recommend it to anyone who has a strategy suit of the right kind. Something else that I noticed was that after I took the jelly out of the pocket, the pocket was quite sticky.
Question: Do teddies have feelings?
That is an interesting question. Does anyone have feelings, except for you? How can we know?
Question: How do you make stripy biscuits?
It’s hard work.
You make two different colours of biscuit dough, and put layers of them on top of each other.
Then you cut slices, and cook them.
I should have taken pictures when I made them, but I didn’t. Bother.
If you really want to do it yourself, here’s the recipe I used.
Question: Are rabbits allowed to be members of Red and Green Teddies?
Yes, the group is open to anyone, animal, vegetable, mineral, or imaginary, who identifies as having teddy principles or characteristics, or a teddy role, and who supports the group’s red and green aims.
Question: Is COVID-19 linked to length of nose?
Researchers at Oxford University are at the forefront of global efforts to understand whether having a trunk affects how vulnerable people are to the coronavirus, but there isn’t enough data yet. Elephants are urged to volunteer for the study, whether or not they have been infected.
Hello Tom. I’m a rabbit and my name is Georgina. My question is are rabbits allowed to be members of the Red and Green Teddies?
Tom: Hello Georgina
Yes, definitely.
But I’ll check with Points for the exact wording of the constitution.
Right.
Points says that the group is open to anyone at all, animal, vegetable, mineral, or imaginary (“imaginary” came up at the last conference, and it was quite controversial, but we are a democratic centralist organisation and we now all actively recruit imaginary friends) who supports the group’s red and green aims.
Originally it was “Red and Green cuddly people”, but that was seen as excluding people who aren’t so keen on cuddling. “Furry” had a similar problem. So we use “teddy” in the widest sense, and anyone who identifies as having teddy principles or characteristics, or a teddy role, is included in the term.
Thank you for your informative reply Tom. I will join my local branch next Tuesday. (On Mondays I’m busy in the vegetable patch)
I’ll pass the word on to my friend Sparkle as well. As a unicorn Sparkle has experienced a lot of discrimination against imaginary friends (you can imagine!) However as a devoted follower of teddy principles, I’m convinced she’d make a great contribution to the organisation.
On another matter, what are you currently reading?
Tom: People keep asking me that.
Gosh that Strategy suit is seriously stylish.
Tom: Wait till you see it with jelly in the pocket!
Oh dear oh dear. I’m very worried about Bimbo. Has he been wearing a mask and washing his hands frequently with soap? Do you think having a long nose is part of the problem?
Tom: Bimbo has been self-isolating, because of his transplant. Could the virus have come in with a food delivery? Or something in the post? Or maybe he had a chat with someone while he was putting the bins out.
He doesn’t like soap. It makes him sneeze.
I heard on the wireless that there’s some research going on into coronavirus and length of nose, but I don’t think they’ve got enough data yet.